Something by somebody else
Following my rich tradition of posting links to other things written by other people when I don't have a post of my own... here is a neat something about adultery.
"What's neat about adultery!?" you are likely saying.
This is. Sheesh! Don't you people read?
Really, the neat thing about this essay on adultery has little to do with adultery. It's good for that as well, I'm sure. But the iMonk throws some nicely-worded perspective on the more heady topics of "God" and "Love" that you're not going to find just banging blindly around the blogosphere. So.. enter Punchworthy. Conduit to The Coolness. You may thank me later.
posted by caparoon @ 10:35 AM
12 Comments:
I thought this was a good reality check. If you were looking for more topics to blog about, I could dig this.
In my own, scattered-brain way, let me start with some very hard words I heard. They came in slightly different versions from two persons whom I respect, Brian Rummery and Dave Matteson. Basically, the message was that "If the marriage falls apart, it is the man's responsibility." When I first heard that, I could have sworn the word was not responsibility, but fault. Which may not be much of a distinction for some folks. Needless to say, I balked at that. Big Time.
The comparison I have since come to make is that of anyone who holds a leadership position over anyone else. For example, a captain is responsible for all personnel under him. If any one of those personnel screw up, the captain is accountable to his superiors. In the same way, I have slowly (with much grudging, stubborn dragging of feet and gnashing of teeth, as it were) come to accept the fact that in the same way men are leaders in their family, and have the same kind of responsibility. Even if, in a most extreme and possibly unheard of case, the man actually is completely innocent and the wife has instigated a division, the man is still responsible. That was, and remains, a very large pill to swallow. On the other hand, knowing how much of a screw-up I am, it is easier to see how I am personally responsible (and at fault) for my marriage not being 100% perfect.
How does that relate to the iMonk essay? In at least two ways I can think of, and I am sure there are others (I feel it *grin*).
First off, the article points out several things (4 to be specific) about a man falling into the temptation of adultery. It seems to me that the path of the fall is greased by lies. Lies about how others are at fault. Lies about how normal a particular perversion may be. Lies about unrealistic expectations. Lies. Accepting responsibility, or in other words, embracing the truth, leaves no room for lies.
Second, the comment about "Communities of men that talk to one another honestly" was quite salient, IMO. I had that once. I miss it. Even though I took part in such a group, we did not milk it for it was worth; ripping a great phrase Thoreau, we did not suck the marrow out that bone. During my short walk on this planet, I have been struck with the simplicity of "walking in the Light", which is even more poignant by the fact that it is so stinking hard to do. At least for me. I hate admitting I did something wrong. The responsible man does not hide from the light of the Truth.
At this point in my life, and more importantly, my marriage and my walk with God, I have this urge to focus on my relationship with my loving wife above many other things; "things" that others, including those of the Christian community, might consider "very important." You can fill in the blanks, I am sure most people know what I am talking about. We in the church often get way too caught up in being involved in the Church. Been there, got the t-shirt. I find it no small thing that Paul's missive to Timothy requires a man must have his household in order before even dreaming of serving in the church (I Tim 3:12).
However, let me close with the fact my relationship with God supercedes any other relationship, and the fact that my correspondence with the Big Guy upstairs has been embarrassingly vacant kinda tells me that I should not expect great things out of my marriage, or anything else on earth. If there are "great" things at all, it is only because God is merciful and trying to show me He that loves me. I know for a fact I have done absolutely nothing to deserve them.
So, Cap, thanks for posting this article. Now a write a comment so we can keep this thread going. *sly grin*
Hi Chuck! Didn't even know you were aware of me out here in blogland. Thanks for coming by.
I'm posting a comment, but it's not going to say anything smart. Partially because I have a stupid work thing to work on at work, and partially because I'm on day 1 of a raging head cold, which has rendered me ..uh.. something that I would be rendered that's not smart. Or quick. Or pithy. Or clever. Can't think of appropriate word right now.
I will say, though, that I think that I think what you think. Deb and I were just talking about this the other day--or at least a related topic. That Jesus, while he didn't prohibit divorce, did go ahead and say that it was only "out of the hardness of your hearts" that you resort to this. And given the custom and legalities of the time, his comments really applied to men.
If that's the case, then in order to go down that road you have to decide, consciously, at some point, that your heart is "just hard."
"Thanks for that, Jesus! I guess my heart is knowingly, willingly hard, so I'm gonna go ahead and pull the trigger here..."
What then, should we (being made aware of our sinful condition) go on sinning? Apparently we're pretty much cool with that.
The implication that re-marriage is a bad deal, as well, hammers the point home. "If you can't be responsible in this marriage.. apparently because you have an irreperable, unregenerate heart.. then don't do it again. Get off the marriage train, Yo!"
And that's the end of my random musings for the moment.
Well, you are doing pretty good for a head cold. I have a hard time getting past "The weather .... umm ... go Bears".
Hard hearts. Yeah, who in the Christian community is going to 'fess up to having a hard heart? And I am not merely talking about mumbling "Ok, I'm not perfect" but actually doing something about it in an attempt to change.
I know my heart has been hardened. Mostly by bad choices (or lack of good choices, which equates to the same thing, right?). The good thing about using your post as a sort of Catholic confessional is that I think my heart is getting a little more malleable. Or cracking. Something. Which is what I think is supposed to happen in that "community of men".
And it is very scary how cool we are with going on sinning. From my limited perspective, one of the great failings of the modern church is trying to be too cool. I think Jesus tried to correct anyone who thought he was cool. I always chuckle in some fashion when I read the text about the rich man who wanted to go to heaven (end of Matthew 19).
This should be a completely different thread, but I always been amazed at the strident ire Christ had towards sin, yet the ardent love he had for the sinner. We, especially in America, either go too far to the left or the right, loving or hating both.
Sorry for hijacking so much of your blog and time. Well, I will not apologize for your time; you can choose not to read this. *grin*
People hijacking my blog is not one of my most common complaints. (see general lack of commentary) : ]
As for my time.. well, I'm the one who started it, right? Time has been at a premium lately, but I'm still finding time for the occasional post, and these comments, so it's all good.
On being cool w/sin:
Appropriate that you would mention Jesus' almost split personality on the sin/sinner. We exhibit a remarkably similar but polar opposite attitude toward sin. On one hand we are amazingly complacent toward *some* sins--adopting an almost "I'm never going to be perfect so why bother to try" attitude--while we are insanely legalistic about others, grinding and judging ourselves and others into a knot of nervous spiritual tension that could not be further from "christlike".
I think we're simultaneously too complacent and not complacent enough. How so..? How do we take sin seriously and at the same time not let preoccupation with sin become the hallmark of our christianity? How about in the same way that Jesus was strong on sin and gentle on sinners?
Grace. Our understanding or comprehension of Grace is very poor. And I think that a better grasp of Grace sheds light on both Jesus' sin-dichotomy and our own. When we understand that the primary responsibility for "making things okay" lies in the hands of Providence, and not our own, it's incredibly freeing.
We are freed both from the incredible pressures--guilt, shame, etc--of our sin, and also freed to become well and whole. Healed. It's only in the light of Grace that transformation to the likeness of Jesus makes any sense at all.
It seems to me, more and more as I try to find my way toward him, that one of the central themes (if not *the* central theme) of Jesus, of the entire Trinity, of God's entire message to us is... "It's okay."
It's almost God's whisper to me, in my soul. "It's okay.. it's not okay, but.. that's okay. It's okay." And he ushers me into a new way--not just of thinking or doing, but a new way of being. And so.. I take myself, and thus my sin, both more and less seriously. Less trying to "take myself in hand" and more trying to open my hand.
And if I'm wrong? Well.. I think that's okay. : ]
I haven't had that "incredibly freeing" feeling; or if I have, it has been too long to remember.
Here is what I know. Grace has teeth. At least God's kind of Grace does. It doesn't let go and never gives up. This ain't some kind of puppy dog with a frozen grin that is tail-wagging happy no matter what you do.
Grace is confusing. Well, let's just put it out there and say that God is confusing and get it over with. *grin* We are born in the image of God, yet in a world of sin. We are given the task to be like Christ, but have to swim upstream, only to be told that it is impossible to actually attain Christ-likeness due to our strivings. And this thing called Grace allows us to leap over that impossible gap, yet even if we do, we still finding ourselves meandering in a desert for 40 years (plus or minus).
I know I have been justified, through faith, that my legal debt to sin has been paid for through the substitutionary death of Jesus Christ. I know that the Spirit is at work in me, sanctifying me and preparing me as a bride for bridegroom. All of this because of Grace.
My problem is when the rubber meets the road. I would appreciate if you expand a little on this Caparoon "It's OK" philosophy. I ask because, well, to be honest, I have no friggin idea what you are talking about, and I am not afraid to say that. =) Is that a post-modern version of Grace? There needs to be a fence, a boundary, something that says "Hey, that is NOT ok!".
I will leave it at that for now.
Well, I won't cop to it being "post-modern" because that is way to ambiguous a concept to use as an adjective for grace.
But, that said, post-modernism/existentialism is in the mix. And I have no problem with that.
Both of those schools of thought are very concerned with the idea of "being", and that's an important concept for the proper understanding of Grace. Where you put the emphasis in "be like Christ" is, I think, pretty important. Personally, I think it's on the verb.
Grace allows us to "be" like Christ. Not to be perfect--though certainly we are being changed and perfected--but to "swim in the same manner" so to speak. When I am faced with sin (my own or otherwise) do I approach it and deal with it in the same manner as Christ? Am I Jesus in my dealings with it?
And even if you put your emphasis on "like"--which I think, traditionally, we tend to do.. except when we do it we mean "act like" and it becomes all about behaviors--the word is still "like". It means "in the same way". Grace doesn't just call us to something we can't possibly attain, and then leave us hanging. Grace simultaneously convicts us and sets us free--which sure, can be confusing. But it's a hell of a lot better than convicting us and the holding it over our heads.
Transformation is a process. Grace frees us from the curse, and allows the process to begin. We're not changed in an instant. The baptismal water--or the confession--aren't some kind of quick-change magic. Satan is the accuser, and one of his most clever tricks is to keep us in a perpetual state of guilt over our non-perfection, thus preventing us from moving forward on the journey.
I said yesterday that God whispers, "it's not okay.. but that's okay." And I think that's a pretty good picture of the whole thing. I know that I, and every other part of the kingdom, is not what it was made to be. But I know that it will be. God is still in control--which makes all of the things that are not-okay, okay.
It doesn't dispense with the idea of moral right and wrong. It just removes the gut-clenching, transformational-freezing panic that sets in when we're convicted of the not-rightness of things, but honestly, too lacking in faith to believe that he's still in control of it all.
THAT.. was rambling, my friend! But I'm trying to hurry. I'm pushing deadlines here. Also, still got the headcold!
You ramble when you are in a hurry? =) I gave you a few days off so you could concentrate on deadlines. And taking pictures while driving.
Grace. Transformation. Metamorphosis. God is pretty amazing. The sheer capacity of patience, vast wisdom and perfect execution send my mind in a dizzy daze.
I do not know if I am struggling with the conviction of sin (in a grace-less, bad way). My more immediate problem is giving up the things of this world. When I say that, I am thinking mostly of my time and how I spend it; an outsider monitoring my lifestyle would probably come to the conclusion that God is not at the center of my life. That in itself bothers me a little, but the fact that I am not bothered enough to make drastic changes is setting off a red flag somewhere in my head.
Do I need to make drastic changes, or is small change "good enough"? Well, let me make a little analogy. I like to eat. A lot! Fortunately, my metabolism is still kinda high (thanks mom and dad!), so my overall health is not suffering too much. I would love to be more fit, get less tired in the afternoon and have a great looking bod. But not enough to change my eating habits to the point that I can accomplish those goals. In that sense, it is a matter of priorities, and I do not have enough gumption to alter my priorities.
And so it is in my spiritual life. I am wallowing, I guess. And I bring this back to the origin of this thread - marriage. I think God is using my marriage to shake up my stubborn, ignorant blissfulness of non-progression. This is where "duty" and "obligation" start to give off sparks rubbing against my self-indulgence, like striking flint. I could let my marriage slip away further than it is, but the long-term cost is unacceptably high. That in itself is starting to give me motivation to put more effort into relationships that, at least somewhere, I consider important. Relationships, like plants (and all living things), need nourishment and tender loving care (TLC). And by God's Grace alone, those relationships are still alive despite my negligence.
PS - for a somewhat cerebral tangent, there has been an interesting thread (in the "By Someone else" theme) over at IlliniPundit:
http://www.illinipundit.com/2007/09/13/nature-vs-nurture-genetics-submission-and-will-power#comment
And, using the hammer & tongs of duty and obligation to pound off the edges of your stubborn self-indulgence is certainly a valid part of spiritual transformation.
However, any good smith will tell you that--hammer and tong it all you like, but without the proper fire, you'll never get where you're headed.
And I think proper understanding of grace shows us how it is the "fire" in this process of transformation.
To carry your eating analogy further.. when are you going to successfully change your eating behavior.. when you beat yourself into submission, stuffing down the desire and thwarting your priority..? Or when you change your priority? The enjoyment of eating must become less. It must become less important, and it's importance must be replaced with a different priority. Maybe the priority of a healthier life, better body, etc... whatever. A superior priority will then be the key in changing a behavior, which will in turn lead to a better life.
Same w/ the marriage. Conviction is good. Discipline is good. And to some extent it is beneficial to "fake it til you make it". But I hate.. hate hate hate.. the school of thought that suggest by the continual hammering of self we will become something other than beaten up. We won't. And we won't stay in place, either--we'll go right back the moment we cease hammering.
Being convicted that our actions are not right is good, but being convicted that our heart is wrong is essential. The key to my serving my wife lies in my belief that she deserves to be served--not in my ability to suppress my own desires.
Small change. Big impact.
(I hope this is somehow relevant. Once again, being hurried, I just kind of let your comment be the metaphorical finger hitting the "go" button on some stream-of-consciousness typing. : } )
The key to my serving my wife lies in my belief that she deserves to be served
I found this to be quite interesting, and I have chewed on it for a little while (my "stream-of-consciousness" is more like snail mail; broken into chunks and sent on their merry way).
Your wife would be proud to read those words, I am sure. Yet, is not Grace getting what we do not deserve? Or rather, better than we deserve. Does Grace say "It's okay" even though it is "not okay"?
Just to be clear, it is not my intent at all to critique the semantics of your thoughts. I think you are striving (and succeeding from what I can observe) to be a Godly man and love your wife. It is just that the concept of my wife deserving to be served strikes me as a funny way of putting it. Especially when we are in conflict. =) Don't tell a man adrift at sea that he is dehydrating and needs water.
Yet, there is a challenge there, one I do not want to lightly dismiss. What if I did believe that my wife deserved to be served? How would I change my actions, my words, my thoughts? Hmm... I think she would really like that! *grin*
Now that I think about it, perhaps my biggest stumbling block is that I tried doing something like that early on in our relationship, and was not pleased by the results. I felt like a lap dog, or even a door mat at times. With the greater vision of hindsight, I realize that although my intentions were good, my execution of "serving my wife" was not exactly spot on; we were speaking different love languages.
So, back to that challenge. What does "serving my wife" look like? That is something I would be wise to think about a bit more seriously. I have this obnoxious little voice that is trying to scream out "What about what *I* deserve". Can you make it go away? ;-)
Or, as you infer, the bottom line really is "what is my priority". If my priority really is God and my family, then should not my life reflect that?
Well, you finally forced me to get out the Bible Dictionary.. : ] But I was too tired to read it with a clear head, so another time, perhaps.
But another, less complicated source, works to broaden the nutshell definition of grace a little.. dictionary.com says, among other things that grace is not only "the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God," but also "the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them."
Additionally, if we go back to my statement that my wife "deserves to be served," it might be more accurate to restate as "deserves to be served as Jesus has served me."
I think, maybe, that that's somehow stupid though--oddly, because it defines it a little too well.
Grace is extended to me, from Jesus, allowing me to become like him, which, of course, means that I extend grace.
And, to take it further, Grace isn't keeping score. It doesn't say, "oh, here's all the things that make you undeserving of me." It simply fails to take them into account. The things.. are not the point. So, from Grace's perspective, the things we do or don't do, don't matter. We're not okay. The world's not okay. Sin is not okay. But that's okay. Because of Grace. Grace is the natural outpouring of unconditional love. An empowering favor, given regardless of personal merit.
BUT.. to jump off that track for the moment.. let's go to that whole lapdoglovelanguage thing..
That sounds to me, and sorry if this is too forward.. I know you are a really bright and deep guy, man.. but that sounds like a case of misunderstanding "service." I'm sure the whole love languages thing plays in--but that's sub-table issue. Start with the loving, start with the serving, properly, and you're bound to come across the fact that you're bringing home the bacon and she really wants you to bring home the roses, or whatever..
Also, it sounds perhaps like, "service with specific expected results." ie-"I will forsake myself for you and then you will in turn be always joyful, never mournful, and eternally hot for me." : ]] Now, I can make that joke, because I know I spend plenty of time in that situation. I love Deb, and I want to love her purely, and selflessly, but let's face it.. I'm around 'self a lot! So it's bound to creep in there. "I'm being good to you so here's how I think that should make you.. or things.. be." I could be wrong about that, for sure. I just hear a bit of an all-too-familiar strain in your comment here.
And here's a little example that you might like, about what "serving" consists of: How about pastoring your family? Your wife, specifically? Not like in a "thus sayeth Pastor Husband" kinda way.. but in a "How can I best be Jesus to my family, and help them do likewise?" This starts mostly with a lot of the "being" part, I've noticed.. : ] You don't much get to hand out advice. : ]
But anyway.. I'm just saying, pastoring your wife is an example of service. Sometimes this can even involve things like disagreeing, in love, and choosing actions for yourself that aren't what your wife most desires of you. (That, btw, is a scary path to tread, and not lightly undertaken) The thing is, when you are really trying to be like Jesus, and live it out, it changes things. Mostly you.
This perspective doesn't suddenly make everything in your relationship hunky-dory. Nor does it make that little voice go away. But when the thing you are pursuing in transformation to Jesus' likeness, and you communicate that (can we all say "communcation" together..? Good.).. you sort of put yourself out there. And then you *do* start looking at things.. your desires.. their desires.. situations.. with a mindset of "where's the Jesus to be found in this?" And it does make a difference in how you conduct yourself and what you hold dear.
There.
That is a metric buttload of stuff.
Again, I hope you find some of that ramble helpful. Or at least interesting. And since I'm out here blabbering, I'll just end with this thing that I thought of today. Sort of relating to Grace and Jesus and whatnot:
Jesus can make you into something you were always meant to be, but never could be on your own.
The point isn't perfection; it's reliance.
Yes, I did find your ramblins helpful and information (and interesting to boot). Thanks.
Keep in mind that my retrospective thoughts on "service" were of a time past; even still, your clarification of service reminds me that I need to be doing those things. And yes, "being" is the first step of 12.
In my mind's eye, it is almost as if we were learning to tango, but listening to two different instructors via headphones. After stepping on each others toes too many times, I think we decided to sit back and let the music play. What I am hearing (from you, others) is that I need to get back out there and start doing the steps again. Even if we steps on toes again. Even if it is hard work. And, fortunately, I am not stupid and God did grant me a brain. I can learn the steps, I can practice and become better. I can encourage my wife when she is frustrated and her toes are flattened pancakes.
That whole reliance thing is kinda hard for us, as a couple. I think individually we depend on God (sometimes more in an SOS sort of a way), but as a couple, we depend on ourselves. Now that I think about it, maybe we are suffering in the department individually as well.
First things first. While I do believe in miracles, I kinda doubt God is going to bedazzle me with big changes over night. Not that I doubt he could, but everything I have learned so far tells me that just is not the way he works, at least not when he is building character into someone. Hey, but I am always up for a surprise. =)
I know this thread is sorta buried in your blog by this time, but I always wonder what if some meandering sojourner happens to stumble upon these comments via google...
Yup. And so begins the long walk in the same direction. : }
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