The checks (and other stuff) are in the mail

I'm wearing a lot of hats these days.

I know, a lot of people wear a lot of hats every day. Mothers, in particular. But those people can get their own blog if they want to wax poetic over their haberdashery. This is my rack, thanks.

For the past twelve years or so, I've pretty much just worn the "breadwinner/husband/father" combo that is so popular with the American Male Patriarch set. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Try to help out. Do it again.

But now I'm branching out. (heading out?) Sure, I still go forth some mornings, lunch pail in hand, to do the job and bring the bacon. But I'm also putting on another cap--or two, or four. Entrepreneurial ones, with a matching salesman's jacket. Student garb (flip flops and pajama pants in the snow, and the obligatory iPod, from what I've seen on campus). And the writers.. whatever.. And the musician's.. whatever, as well. (What kind of hats do writers and musicians wear, anyway? Something with a golden "M" stitched into it, I wouldn't be surprised...)

And others. For example, yesterday I was a clerk. Things surrounding this change in employment had to be done: Government agencies had to be called; forms tracked down, gathered, filled out and mailed; Invoices sent, and schedules made. It was like being back at the old office job, except with a larger sense of purpose. Self preservation, I suppose.

Except... I'm not really convinced that I'm preserving myself.

Not that I didn't do a bang-up job, mind you! I didn't spend better than a decade in the white-collar trenches and not learn how to shuffle some sheets, my friend. Don't kid yourself; I rocked the block. Things are moving! Things are shaking! The checks are in the mail!

It's just that I don't think I'm so much responsible for the checks that are in the mail. Or for preserving myself. Or for.. well, really for any of this.

Don't get me wrong--I'm doing my part. But I don't think it's all this cap-wearing that's getting the job done. There are things floating around out there besides checks that make it possible for me to live with and in my current circumstances. A lot of things.

Exhibit A: God. (okay, so I can't exhibit God, but I think God exhibits himself, pretty much) You're either going to see this one or you aren't. But from my vantage point, there's a lot of God in this. And not just as some puppet-master, pulling the strings of circumstance to bring me to this point. Not that I don't think he was involved, but I think that my actions and choices have had real consequences, so I've had a lot to do with bringing me to where I am today. (and if they don't, then I'd like to ask God a couple questions, because there are some things I take issue with!) No, the real exhibit here is me--I wouldn't be who I am today, with the perspectives and general sense of well-being that I have, if not for God in my life. Stuff happens, and I can either choose to fight with it or learn from it, following the example that I see Jesus putting out there. I've tried to choose the latter as much as possible, and it has changed who I am, at my core. But I find I'm not able to choose it on my own. I'm only able to choose to put myself in his hands, and let the Spirit lead me. When I do that, it works. That's real, it's tangible, and it's not of myself.

Exhibit B: Other people. The folks at Spinlight, who sent me off with not only encouragement and promises of future help, but also some extra pay, a new laptop, rockin' studio monitors and even an iPhone. My incredible wife (and you're right, Doug, I know exactly how lucky I am), who, despite what I know to be her fears, can say something as selfless as "this is your chance to do what you want to do." How much more beautiful can someone be than that? My family, who is always there to lend a hand, whatever that might entail. My friends, who encourage and hold me up, and pray for me, and give me great advice when I ask for it (and usually not when I don't). Even anonymous people--last week we got a card in the mail from someone, and there was a Walmart gift card inside! Wow! Someone thinks we're a worthy cause. Do you know what that means, in a world of causes? Most of them are more worthy than us, but somebody (and apparently somebody we don't even know that well) loves us enough to throw us into the mix, anyway. That's pretty amazing.*

So I'm wearing all these caps. And I'm trying to wear them as jauntily as possible. I'm straightening my brims and smoothing my feathers. And I know it makes a difference.

But for all my wearing and straightening, I still can't deliver. Not ultimately. I'm not the one signing on the line. I'm not the bank, or the notary, or the accountant. I'm not even the postman. I absolutely believe that the checks (and other stuff) are in the mail. I'm seeing that come together on a daily basis. I'm just not fooling myself into thinking that I'm the one responsible for it.

And I'm immensely thankful.
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* The gift card actually said "Congratulations!" on it. How funny is it to get a congratulatory gift for losing your job--and how much funnier that it could actually seem appropriate?