What do you do, Dear?

A little conversation with myself:

"I'd like to see you focusing more on queue management" she said.. alright. I can do that, right? I mean.. it's just looking at the queue, figuring out what needs done and what the best way to get it, right? Sure! I can focus on that..

{chirp.. chirp.. chirp.. }

How about me going away to a nice older home in the country, with no pointy corners and rolling green lawns where I can feed the ducks. Where my bathrobes have no sleeves. Would you like to maybe see that? 'Cause i'm starting to wonder...

Why is it that so many of us continue to support ourselves, financially, by doing things that make us unhappy, or that we hate?

"Well, John.. people have mortages and other bills to pay, and a certain lifestyle to support. And they don't do what they do because they love it like candy, they do it because they need to. Besides, all that, 'Do what you love and become rich and successful' stuff is just bunk!"

The way I see it, we all split out (roughly) into 4 categories:

1.) I love what I do. Genuinely. Love it!

2.) I do not need to love what I do. My psyche is constructed in such a manner as to completely seperate my work-a-day world from my personal world. I need derive no satisfaction from it.

3.) What I do makes me unhappy, but I am unaware of the source of the problem. I spend all my time being unhappy and blaming it on other people and situations, and looking to prayer, yoga, money, psychoanalysis, drugs, relationships, etc.. to try and alleviate my suffering.

4.) What I do does not make me happy, but I can't seem to figure out how to stop doing it, or how to do something else, or perhaps even what it is that I would really prefer to be doing ...so I'll spend a goodly amount of my time and energy torturing myself and everyone around me with it until we're all so sick of it that .. it like.. makes us sick. Or something.

I don't know where you are in this, but I know where I usually am. And where I'd like to be.

One position: You can do whatever you want to. Whatever you love. Even if it's basket-weaving. In fact, you should do it. You are practically mandated to. To do otherwise would be treason to Self, God, The Universe, The Spirits Of Your Dead Ancestors...

There are plenty of people who subscribe to this and do just fine. Many, in fact, do amazingly well.. better than fine. Crazy-good.

They can just look at the world, their place in it, and totally master their own destiny. To misquote my brilliant friend, Dave...

...for a long time i believed that bad [thing A] was better than no [thing A]. Then I stopped believing that and I'm much happier.

What I noticed was that on Mondays when I [did thing B], I looked forward to it all day. And on Thursdays when I [did thing A], I often wanted to get out of it, or hoped that not enough people would show and we wouldn't.

Finally Stephen Hawking came by and helped me see a solution to this situation.

Something in these folks allows them to see clearly what it is that they want to be doing, and then act decisively in pursuit of that desire.

Another position: You should shut up your whining, get a job, and attend to your responsibilities. Work isn't meant to be enjoyed. It's a part of The Curse, a penance that you're fortunate to be able to pay. The rest of your life is elsewhere. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all... ignore them, and then someday you die or retire and don't have to worry about it anymore. (Not quite as catchy, eh, Alan Thicke?)

What is it that prevents a person for knowing what they want to do, or, even if they do know what they want to do, not doing it? Why is it that some people gaze through it as if it were transparent, or walk through it untouched, while for others of us it is all smoke and mirrors.. endless misdirection?

Is it that we're weak-willed? Lacking the gumption to pursue something the end of which we cannot see? Little children, afraid of the dark?

Is it that we're selfish and unrealistic? Pouting, petulant children, demanding our way and holding our breath?

Is it that we're different from "most people"? Different strokes for the different folks (more Alan Thicke!)..? The children with special needs.. set apart from our peers?

...Is it just that I haven't done anything constructive musically for weeks and weeks and so my brain is starting to get poisonous buildup?? Quite likely.

I don't know. I don't know the answer to that question, and I'm not sure I'll ever find out. I do know that right now in my life, I'm continuing on a long journey of prioritization. Of figuring out what things are really important to me, and making my life revolve around them. And I think that in that pursuit, I may get an epiphany at some point, and turn the corner to a different way of living.

Maybe it's an issue of putting the first things first, and then letting the mortgages and bills and geography and relationships come after.. or maybe it's an issue of making enough peace that I can hear The Voice calling me in the right direction.

I just hope it happens soon. I'm not getting any younger here, The Voice!