"I thought as a child" or "I'm wearing my big boy pants!"

Where were we when I last addressed this topic..? Ah, yes! I was filling out my pocket calendar.

I remember it well.. like it was.. however many days ago that was. It's got a date-stamp on it, so if it's that important to you, you can do the legwork. Daddy's busy now.

I want to talk a little bit about "doing" music.

I've talked about this some (okay, incessantly) in previous posts, but finally, finally, I think I've got something to say about it that is A.) kind of like "progress", and B.) possibly applicable to some other topic than music, and some other circumstance than mine.

I've been thinking about how I view & pursue--how we musicians.. rock and roll peoples, specifically.. view & pursue music. How we think that it is supposed to be. How this animal, this thing that drives us to feed it, is supposed to be fed.

Among the ranks of aging rockers, particularly aging rockers with families, straight jobs, lawns that need mowing, etc..., there is a common hue and cry, and it goes kinda like this:

No one understands us! No one supports us in our art! No one knows what it's like to be us, and all of you... all of the suits... all of life... did this to us! BOOHoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! WOE is US!

And we pursue music with this in our minds... this... : That it Should Be... Like it Was!

And that, my friends, I think is a Big Lie.

Where else, in our lives, do our current pursuits get to be the same as they were--when we were 16? ...or 18? ...or 21? Where else can we take the views, priorities, and habits of our fledgling adult lives, and apply them--successfully--to our current circumstances?

Can we do it in our jobs? ...When is the last time you felt safe and comfortable treating your 9-5 with the same disdain that you treated that summer at the Tasty Freeze?

Can we do it in our marriages? With our kids? ...ever tried treating your spouse like your mom or your kids like your peers? I think we all know how that works out.

If unmarried, can we do it in our romantic pursuits? If 16yr olds were sexy to us once...

Yeah, I know, "that's sick!" Well yes, actually, that is my point. And it's no more "sick" to chase high schoolers than it is to treat your relationship with your kids casually... or to treat your job like it's just The Man keepin' you down... or to treat your wife like she ought to be picking up your socks and making sure you remember your Social Studies textbook! That's all sick.

And I find my answer, strangely enough, in "the Love chapter"--1 Corinthians 13. Sandwiched right there between, "...when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears" and "...then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." How appropriate is that, for a concept that so deeply impacts our lives and relationships..?

1 Corinthians 13:11 -- When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

So here's what I'm thinking... It's no one else's responsibility.

It's not my wife's responsibility--to pick it up behind me, like mom gettin' the socks. And it's not my kids' responsibility--to get out of my hair and let me do my thing. It's not my employer's responsibility--to stop distracting me and stressing me out with all their petty concerns. It's not "The World's" or "Life's" or "God's" responsibility to set me free... to get out of the way... the Planets' or the Stars' responsibility to align, suddenly making everything oh-so-clear... It's not anybody's responsibility but mine.

"Grow up!" he says, "For Love's sake--grow up!"

And so that's why I've got a pocket calendar. That's why I've made a list of all the possible rehearsal dates for the band between now and our June 3 gig. That's why I'm finding out what my wife has going on, and, when my scheduled animal-feedings conflict, I'm making it my business to get it fixed. That's why I'm crying and coming clean on the blog, and looking like a boob in front of Kati and Greg and my wife and friends--saying I'm a loser, exposing my lameness (you know what I mean), asking for help... and generally acting like a criminal who is suddenly convicted of the wrongness of his past acts. Because it's not anybody's responsibility but mine.

And it's not even anyone's responsibility to be excited for me, or to come alongside me in this pursuit of mine (though I certainly welcome both). Do I love being part of a team? Do I love the enthusiastic support of friends, family, fellow musicians, co-workers... throngs of adoring, nay, sicophantic fans... who hang on my every word and action, assuring me that I am, in fact, the coolest thing this side of the 50lbs of frozen beef I'm keeping in my basement..? Oh yeah! Heck yeah! I want all that, too! ..but it's not anyone's responsibility. And if no one does it, it doesn't let me off the hook.

If I am operating under the conviction that God wires us a certain way, and that if we are faithful to that wiring, we can do great and wonderful things--Kingdom things--in our lives, with our lives, for Him... if I truly believe that, but I don't do it... because of any of the aforementioned issues... then I am guilty of denying my purpose and my master. And there won't be anyone to blame for that when it's all over.

It's not all about music, either. Not even for me. I am trying to internalize this and apply it, and I think that it will help me with other areas where I fall down. And I hope that it helps some of you, too. Maybe with relationships or maybe with pursuits, or maybe in areas of weakness. I think there's nothing so powerful in all the world as a good dose of fresh perspective, so maybe this'll be a cool drink of water to someone else, like it is to me.

Don't get me wrong, now.. this isn't about pulling up bootstraps, or shouldering the load, or keeping a stiff upper lip or whatever. This isn't about being strong... this is about being broken enough to realize that I'm not strong enough to carry a prideful load. I'm too nearsighted to go without corrective wear. It's embarrassing to admit, but I've been thinking as a child for a long, long time. All I'm sayin' is, I think it's about time I started wearing my big boy pants.