A blog whereby I motivate myself, and my readers, to punch me in the mouth.

  "Punchworthy feeds our deepest Freudian wishes!" --Entertainment

  "The consumate rocker's rocker. Charming, personable... a sucking void of inescapable inner turmoil."

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

On Massachusetts, and the founding of the country.

<-- actual size

This is a rough transcript of a conversation that I had with my friend, Dave, wherein I educated him about the geographical history of both his home state and some of the other states, as well.

As a fairly new resident of the Northeast, hailing from the deep south, I know that Dave appreciated this greatly. It's important to understand the area in which you live, and how it relates to your own historic geographical roots.

I apologize for some of the language, but apparently our founding fathers (or me and Dave; I refuse to admit to anything specific) were a little loose with the dialogue. I assume it's because ladies weren't allowed in the early exploration parties, and the boys got all rough around the edges without someone there to keep them in line.

Except that Sacajawea chick, and everybody knows she could cuss a blue streak.

And now, about Massachusetts...

It's one of those tiny original states. Back when they were making them small, because they didn't understand that the country would extend beyond the horizon. Where they came from, the horizon was the boundry for France.

The U.S. map always reminds me of how, when you were a little kid, you'd draw a picture of a house or something. And you'd start in one corner of the roof drawing these tiny, precise shingles. And then by about halfway through, each shingle suddenly became 4x6', because, damn!, it was going to take ALL DAY to shingle that thing!

I think the same thing happened with the states. By the time they got across the continent to Texas, they were just like, "What the hell ever! It's smaller than Mexico--let it ride!"

Early settler: "What shape do we want this state to be?"

1795: "...from the Pawkowpy river to the foothills of the Fragaleny Mtns, and then along the 37th parallel to..."

1895: "BIG SQUARE. go."

The great plains helped with this process. Over in the East, they were like, "Okay, just go until you hit a natural boundry.. river, mountains.. tree..." Then, when they got out into the plains, they tried that same crap and found out it didn't fly.

Little known fact: The western border of Montana was decided by an antelope sighting... "I saw something sticking up out of the grass! Mark it down! Mark it down!"

In Massachusetts, they could be all, "Go til you hit a tree and then turn left." Not so much in say.. Kansas.

In the Southeast, you went until you hit an ocean, a blood-thirsty Spaniard, or a mosquito bigger than the smallest person in your party.

If the average hight of a man in 1750 hadn't been 4' 8", the northern border of Mississippi would've been 150 miles further south.

I hope you all enjoyed this educational hike through our country's development. Next time: The founding fathers try to figure out what's up with that dude that uses the bathroom before me. They do not get it, either.


At 6:27 PM, Anonymous Bill said...


What an insightful - if only slightly inaccurate - explanation of U.S. political geography.

At 5:35 AM, Blogger caparoon said...

I'm just trying to get the truth out there. All those revisionists are trying to hide it from us.

Power to the people!


Post a Comment

<< Home